Because of You
by RandomnessRox
Summary: Oneshot, Kai's POV, reflecting on how badly his grandfather and the trauma of his life screwed him up. R


_**Because of You  
**_

_**I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself  
Cause my heart so much misery**_

_Just because you had a bad life, and now have these crazy dreams, it doesn't mean I have to be part of them._

_You were miserable, still are miserable, it's obvious. I was nothing but a pawn to you in a cruel game of chess-why? What did you really want?_

_Whatever it was, I'm not going to end up the same way, I swear it._

_**I will not break the way you did,  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way  
To never let it get that far**_

_You trained me not to show emotion-emotion is weakness._

_It shows your opponent where your weaknesses are._

_So I obeyed; I listened._

_I know what they call me_

_They think I simply do not have any emotions_

_Shallowly, I don't_

_Dig deep enough and I may as well be a swimming pool…_

_**Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid**_

_Now, so many years later, I am not the timid boy I once was, but I am still innocent inside._

_I am prudent and cautious, wary of everything, scared of everything._

_I don't trust my emotions_

_I don't trust other's emotions_

_All because I couldn't trust one person's emotions, so many years ago._

_**I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake  
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with**_

_I can still hear your harsh voice ringing in my ears, telling me what to do_

_No emotion_

_Especially not ones of sadness, or love-they are clingy. You should not get attached to people. It makes you weak._

_The only emotion somewhat acceptable is anger._

_You made me feel so horrible about myself that way, and I tried so hard to change_

_But it wasn't enough, was never enough, not for you_

_You saw me as emotional, while forever more the rest of the world would see me as cold-hearted._

_I'm forced to fake being content with life, even if I am bleeding inside_

_But I'm not okay_

_Then again,_

_How can I not be okay if I wasn't okay to start with?_

_**Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid**_

_Now, so many years later, I am not the timid boy I once was, but I am still innocent inside._

_I am prudent and cautious, wary of everything, scared of everything._

_I don't trust my emotions_

_I don't trust other's emotions_

_All because I couldn't trust one person's emotions, so many years ago._

_**I watched you die  
I heard you cry every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing**_

_I was only a child, what sensible, grown man uses a mere child for world domination?_

_You didn't think things through,_

_You figured the world would go along with your ploy,_

_You didn't realize that there are people who want to do good._

_And now I guess everything that I am now is because of you._

_**Because of you  
I never stay too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I try my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty**_

_My life is not empty…I have people who actually care for me, my friends, and my 'blade, but what is life worth…_

_If you can't share it?_

_No one wants to end up like me_

_People idolize me-_

_They shouldn't._

_It's a long, lonely road that I walk,_

_And although people have tried, time and time again,_

_I walk alone._

_Other people don't have to bear my pain. It is mine and mine alone to hold._

_Sometimes, I wish someone would try just that much harder,_

_But until then, I walk alone._

**_Because of you,  
I am afraid...  
Because of you  
Because of you..._**

_**

* * *

**_

RR- Well, I don't know if this has been done before, and I am well aware Ffnet will probably delete it, but I love it and I've wanted to write it for a year now, and now I have.

Sorry if you hate the song and/or Kelly Clarkson, but I don't care. I love the song and I think it describes Kai perfectly. Bit of Green Day at the end, too...I think Boulevard of Broken Dreams is very Kai-ish, also.

(For those of you who didn't know for some reason, this was in Kai's POV.)

The song basically said it all…I didn't even have to write anything. But then it wouldn't be a fanfiction, would it?

_Please review to tell me what you thought!_

_-RR_


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